You are the Sun
by brilliant star
Summary: "It's okay to be selfish."


People always tell Rin that she's such a _selfless_ person.

It happens through her high school years, then her college years, with her friends in the classroom and out in the city. What a friendly, bright, selfless girl— she's the kind of person that you can't help but gravitate towards, like the way the planets gravitate around the sun. She's warmth and light but sometimes, once the day is over and they don't need the sun anymore, she can't quite put a word to that cold feeling inside.

Rin's gotten good at convincing herself that she's happy even when she's not. It's her own little secret talent.

.

.

She downs a shot in one gulp and practically slams the little glass down on the counter with a heavy click, half-aware of the hand on her back rubbing circles and encouraging her to slow down.

"Rin-chan…"

Seven years is an awfully long time.

"Kayo-chin, what's he even look like?" Her words are slightly slurred and she stares straight ahead with her mouth frozen in a smile. "He's some rich boy, right? Rich people are almost always pretty, you know, I dunno what's up with that phemona… phenomenon."

Hanayo, who hasn't touched a single drop of alcohol, continues to rub Rin's back and sits close to her, arms touching. The closeness is only comforting to an extent when Rin is tipsy and obviously trying not to show she's upset.

"She never even _told_ me," Rin continues, waving away the bartender much to Hanayo's relief. "I would've at least done something like… like… picked out a wedding gift! Hey, does she still like tomatoes? You think a tomato plant would be alright?"

A tomato plant isn't a terribly fitting gift after seven years of separation. But Hanayo keeps the thought to herself and instead wraps an arm around Rin's shoulders. Rin is still smiling.

"You know how Maki-chan is. She's busy, and sometimes she doesn't realize there are some things she needs to tell other people."

"Kaaayo-chiiin! You're always so smaaaart!" Rin throws her full weight onto Hanayo, nearly sending them both toppling to the floor, but Hanayo manages to stay upright. More or less.

.

.

They loved each other— love each other, maybe they still do, Rin will never know, she can only dream— but Rin being Rin ruined it. At least, that's how she sees it. She's so _selfless_ that she even took the entirety of the blame when things went wrong.

It was her fault for being so scattered. It was her fault for not being serious more often. It was her fault for being too clingy.

It was her fault for being Rin.

At the very least they were able to salvage what was left of their relationship and stick the pieces together to keep a friendship, but things never were quite the same. Life went on, and they took their separate paths. Rin left broken bits of herself behind her with every step she took, always looking back at what used to be, filling in the gaps with empty sunshine that could bring warmth to others around her.

Everyone loved Rin for being Rin, except for her.

.

.

"Arranged marriages are so outdated in this day and age," Nozomi muses. She looks sleepy, but then again, maybe it's just the effect of a life too relaxed. Lucky Nozomi. Rin doesn't even know what she's been up to the past seven years.

Maki has new circles and connections all over the place thanks to her career. This might as well be an arranged marriage despite what words and appearances say. With how involved their families were in the arrangements, Maki's high school friends were left out and only invited at the last minute.

Rin still doesn't know the groom's name. She isn't sure if she even wants to know.

"Then again, money will always be these people's highest priority."

The smile that Rin is stubbornly holding wavers, and Nozomi raises a brow in slight acknowledgment.

"Maki-chan isn't like that, she was never like that…" Rin mumbles, and she chews on a toothpick from an hors d'oeuvre.

"You know, Rin-chan…" Nozomi casually leans over to speak softly in her ear. Around them, people mill about with soft conversation. It almost feels more like a funeral than a wedding. Where's the rest of their friends? Ah, right, most of them couldn't clear their schedules for those last-minute invitations. Nozomi's breath tickles Rin's ear, and she shivers.

"It's okay to be selfish once in a while."

.

.

"If you miss this chance, you may never get it again. Think about it, Rin-chan."

.

.

 _"Maki-chan, I… love you, nya! I really, really love you!"_

 _"I— I love you too, Rin."_

.

.

They're standing near the back, partially obscured by other guests. None of their other friends showed up, not even Hanayo, and even with Nozomi beside her Rin feels alone and scared. She stares at the floor and continues to stare at it even when she hears the guests begin to softly _ohh_ and _ahh_ ; no doubt about it, Maki is there now.

"Rin-chan," Nozomi squeezes her hand with a small sense of urgency. She no longer looks or sounds sleepy. "Be selfish, for once in your life."

She can't, she can't, because the sun has to stay bright and warm or else nothing will be right.

"Maybe she really does love him."

Nozomi squeezes her hand a little tighter.

"I— I don't want to ruin anything more for her."

Neither of them are paying attention to what's happening at the end of the aisle now.

"I already caused her enough grief before, it was all my fault…"

" _It's okay to be selfish_."

Rin finally looks up. It's the first time she's seen Maki in years, and the rest of her intact heart breaks into pieces.

She grins sunshine through her tears and quietly shakes with laughter, all happiness, because what else can she do here but be happy for the woman she loves?

No one gives either of them a glance as Nozomi pulls Rin into her arms, letting her muffle her sorrow against her.

.

.

She doesn't go to speak to Maki after the reception, even when Nozomi tries to convince her, not even when Nozomi threatens her. That won't work anymore. They sit in the back of a taxi together. It reeks of rubber and stale cigarette smoke.

Maki probably doesn't even know they had attended. Maybe it's better that way, though.

"Rin-chan," Nozomi pauses. She seems to change her mind about whatever she was going to say and instead rests a heavy hand on her shoulder. Rin is no longer crying; she's smiling, in fact, a small little smile that would look peaceful and content if Nozomi didn't know any better.

"I'm happy for Maki-chan."

The city lights blur outside the window, and somewhere, Maki's new life is picking up momentum to leave them behind. Life goes on, doesn't it? There's nothing that can be done about it, so that's that.

There's nothing left in Rin for herself, nothing but sunshine to share with everyone around her.

People always tell Rin that she's such a _selfless_ person.

* * *

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 **A/N:** because there aren't enough fics with Rin being sad tbh


End file.
